| ack! <- blah that just brought back painful memories of the crapiest newspaper cartoon ever... CATHY. anyways. I shouldn't have put a title in before writing, that always just kills the um, creative flow of my writing... and I am trying to overcome that by writing about it. Youth Sunday today - I don't think I was the only one who didn't feel "ready" for it... I don't know what exactly I didn't feel "ready" about, I put in my prep time etc.... Its just that the kids seem so detached from what's going on I guess, I mean, it might as well be called 'Karrie and Lydia Sunday' because they aren't taking much of an active roll in making in happen - for that matter I wasn't even sure if anyone besides my brothers would show up! I prayed the best I know how, which isn't that great, for the last three days pretty consistantly that God would give Karrie a message for the day, and that he would show both of us what HIS plans for the day were... This morning I went to church with what could be called "a peace" about it - but it was very similar to the extreme calm I feel right before a test I know full well my frantic studying has not been sufficient for. Anyways, whether it was a resigned panic or the peace of God which passes all understanding - I was chill. Karrie had her sermon... and then she gave me a somewhat pooped-out glance over the pew, and said - I'm so not in the mood for this, I just wanna go home" - way to make me nervous again. some of the kids didn't show up. (as in ones that had committed to being there...) but some of them did, and the ones that were there participated well, which shows a big improvement from even just last youth sunday. I confirmed to myself and everyone else once again that I am not gifted at being up in front of a group - as I led the congregation in a "game" which was actually a Dance-off. It was histarical, but I was so uncomfortable being the front person for that. I'm really just blabbering about today so far - if you're still with me - yes, I realize this has nothing to do with friendship. thats what Karries sermon was on, so Its got me thinking about friends, and friendship and friendly topics like that. We discussed it in service, and everyone pretty much listed "trust" as a prerequisite to friendship - but what about the people you just have to be a friend to, that are NOT trust-worthy? does that make you their friend, but not vis-versa? - and I dunno, I guess I'm not a trusting person. I think I have a lot of people I'd call friends - how much I trust them? -Trust them how? with what? I'm a very private person when it comes down to it... yeah, eventually barriers come down when you're my friend for a long time, but even then - I don't think I have EVER really been open and honest with someone about who I really am-just the parts I want them to know- so who am I really a friend to - who is really my friend - I have such bad headaches - asking questions is really all I have the mindpower to do at the moment - and babbling on about the fragments of thought that come jutting through the pain. It's really hard to find someone who loves you enough to think the intricacies of your personality are as important as you think they are - I mean, someone who takes you seriously I guess. Yes, I'm guarded... when I try to express myself more to someone I want to trust they always misinterpret - I don't want to be interpereted - the way in which I express myself, as wanting as that may be, is a part of the self I am expressing, and when people take that, make assumptionss, and try to spit it back at me in their own language I just feel misunderstood, and wonder how well I really am conecting with that friend, and I always just wish the things that can't be said were just left unsaid. so lets just leave this unsaid. |
